10 Things I Did Right As A Single Woman
Geplaatst op 25-02-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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I’ll be honest—for the most part, I think I got lucky. I happened to meet someone incredible who I’m compatible with on a shocking number of levels. But there are a few things I feel I did do “right” as a single woman. Here they are:
- I admitted that I wanted a real, insanely loving, long-term relationship. Sometime last year, I found myself in tears with a friend on the phone. “God, I’m not saying I want to marry him,” I told her. “I just want to date for a few months and have a great time. Is that too much to ask?” At the time, I felt so certain that’s what I wanted and so frustrated that guys weren’t working with me on achieving what would be a great situation for both of us—someone to hang out with and have sex with regularly, without any big commitment. But that wasn’t actually what I wanted. It was hard to ‘fess up to myself that dating casually just wasn’t going to be enough for me, and that if I felt I could date someone casually, then my feelings weren’t strong enough to warrant continuing. I’m proud of myself for saying out loud, “I want serious, mind-shaking love.”
- I got out of the house. I went to every party I was invited to, especially the ones where I couldn’t guess exactly who was on the guest list. I went to museums, parks, book readings, concerts, meet-ups, etc. I joined assorted groups and clubs. An even bigger deal—I got over my fear of going to things alone. I don’t think it was a coincidence that I met The Young One when we’d both ventured to see a band on our own. When you don’t have a compatriot with you, you are forced to talk to new people.
- I built a great support network. I actively looked for people I could talk to about my complicated feelings about being single. I got a therapist. I sought out the friends and family members I thought could be sympathetic and give me good perspective, and made sure to be available to them when they were struggling. And I started writing this column, where I could be honest and get feedback from you guys that I am not crazy. At least, not completely.
- I started treating sex like a bigger deal. Some people can do casual sex. I cannot—and realizing that was huge.
- I stopped taking things personally. I started looking at dating as a complicated matching game and not as, “He doesn’t want to be with me. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?” I’m now realizing that there’s a pretty simple reason why it was usually the guy who pulled the plug on my fledgling relationships—for whatever reason (because they feel less societal pressure to be in a relationship? because they aren’t as caught up in emotional nuances?) guys are just better at perceiving “not a match.”
- I took breaks when I needed it. When not-so-great experiences piled up and made me question myself, I took a few months off from dating. I truly believe it’s something you can only do when you feel in a good place.
- I let go of guys I wasn’t that into. When I was younger, I’d sink six months, even a year plus, into a relationship that was good but not amazing. But I told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore. As a woman who wants a relationship, I think it’s easy to feel a tug on your fishing line and think you have to reel that sucker in. But I threw back some fish in the past few years. If I was dating someone and felt on the fence, I moved on. I only wish I had set the bar even higher and said that if I wasn’t gaga over someone, let ‘em go.
- I let go of the guys who just weren’t that into me. While writing this column, I encountered lots of guys I liked who broke things off, either with an email, a talk, or a fade out. But I listened to their words or, uhhhh, lack of them and let it soak in that they weren’t feeling the kind of feelings you need to build a relationship. With some of these guys, I was tempted to see if they’d be into a booty call situation. With others, it was hard to resist responding when they inevitably got back in touch months later. But I kept the cord cut and that was the right move.
- I stopped holding my desire for a relationship so tightly. You guys saw me struggle with this. I think for a while, I let myself get so focused on wanting to be with someone that I clung to “not it” and got beyond frustrated in those moments when no potential suitors were in view. Deciding to think of my green zebra hunt as more of a safari was a big revelation.
- I tried my best to be patient. Every once in a while, I think, Why couldn’t I have met The Young One six months or a year ago? It certainly would have saved me a lot of heartbreak, confusion, and self-questioning. But you know what? He wouldn’t have been ready to meet me then. If we’d started talking at a concert a year ago, he would have still been living with his now ex-girlfriend. Even if I’d met him six months ago, he would still be mourning the loss of that relationship and things probably would have gone like they did with some of the guys above. I met The Young One at the exact right time—when he’d had his rebound rumspringa, felt healed, and was ready for a new relationship. Even if I had been ready for one for a while.